Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
