its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need to sanitize my soul.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
