guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
