I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
