idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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