What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
