How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
