I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
