She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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