I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
