I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
