I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
