you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
