I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
