don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
