I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
