Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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