It's Friday. Sex?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
