So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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