I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
