If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
