why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
the liver wants what the liver wants
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
