You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
