I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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