I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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