just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
