I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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