I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
