Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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