Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
