You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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