Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
