when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
