I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
