Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
