If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
