Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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