What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
