quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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