Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
