Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My bed smells like the plague
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
