As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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