Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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