i permit you to call me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Panties = found
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