It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
