I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
