Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
