Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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