i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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