I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
