I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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