someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
bring money and cleavage
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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