Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
